this is the wrong place to do this but what can i do eh
i wore shorts for the first time today (my groupchat of friends sort of hyped me up for it and a friend lent me a pair since i don't own any) and i felt sort of good about my legs! downside: one of my classmates asked why i was wearing shorts, and then proceeds to tell me "no one wants to see that" referring to my legs. i still can't get that out my head. i feel like my legs are horribly ugly, as theyre paler than i am (i spend a lot of time outside but my legs have never seen the sun) but are covered in scars from injuries/self-hard/shaving accidents and dark cloud-shaped marks. it's such a dumb insecurity i never usually think about until yesterday when i looked at my legs for the first time (while actually thinking about how they look, i've seen them before lmao)
i feel awful about my family. my cousin committed suicide nearly nine years ago, i was five. it was related to having OCD and being trans in a very, very religious country and in a high ranking, very concerned-about-public-reputation family, and my family essentially erased him from existence – all photos were burned (literally) and theyve essentially deleted him from ever existing legally – no reputable source of his existence beyond memories. no one talks about him ever since he's died, and sometimes i feel like a.) maybe he didnt really exist, maybe i've made him up. i was five after all. and b.) it feels awfully similar to my situation, having ADHD and being bisexual (or at least attracted to girls, i dont have a perfect label atm) and i feel sort of home sick because when he was alive he would offer to let me live with him in his own house (we lived with our grandmother because of some holiday type thing at the time) and i could have lived with a supportive family member, but thats gone now.
another family thing: my brother is awful. he's rude, he's sort of sexist and the body-shaming type (he calls me fat even though i'm a.) virtually objectively skinny looking, nearly skin and bones, b.) perfectly healthy in terms of BMI, 21.8 is normal), he insults my friends (he insulted my friend's seven year old brother and called him a whore), and he's just rude to everyone. but, i cant feel like it isnt my fault, i feel like it was my responsibility. he's known me for all 11, nearing 12 years of his life, i'm his biggest influence. i feel horrible, i wish i knew what i did to make him this way.
probably the most light issue, my best friend. i love him so, so goddamn much, but i feel like im too clingy, too obsessed, that i think about him way too much. the smallest things he does makes me feel crazy happy, the smallest things can also make me nearly cry. he doesn't care about me nearly as much i care about him, and i feel like my thinking about this is selfish as fuck. he does care, and he cares enough, but i can't help but miss my old best friend, who i no longer talk to because of drama that involved me fucking up his friendship with my current best friend.
Submitted April 17, 2018 at 10:53AM by lizardgovt https://ift.tt/2H4bktk